Anyway, this older gentleman walks over and tells me he likes “it”, referring to the frosted forks. I was like really? I’m trying to make up my mind…He proceeded to tell me which kind he recently bought for his new house, etc. He told me he was recently divorced and setting up house on his own and how much fun that was…blah, blah, basically telling me how he had it going on.

So I was like if the package is so tight, why did he get divorced. He claims that the ex-wifey quit wanting to have sex, and I was like well you must not have been handling your business then.

So then here are the lies he responded with: He stated that they used to have sex EVERY single night 4-5 times a night and that she used to come every single time, but that she just had “issues” with sex… YEAH right! LIAR. LIAR. I don’t believe that is humanly possible, unless he was on some meds!

At this point I wanted to start moving away from the man cuz I just knew a bolt of lighting was going to strike him where he stood for the lies!!! When I told him I had to be going, he said I was exactly his type and that could he get the number…I have to say I was flattered cuz its not like I was looking super fly and I do have a thing for older guys…But I do loathe liars and pepetrators and his dick is probably going to fall off due to all the lies the man was telling…

But I am just curious how many times can the average guy do it in a night and how many times in a month? Can anyone really do the do EVERY single day?

I haven’t won yet…but I am almost there. I had a great workout at the gym today and according to the scale, I’ve got four pounds to go. He’s a great kitty kisser so I am really looking forward to my just reward. I want to get naked, lay down on a comfortable bed and just enjoy…I don’t even know if I will last an hour cuz the clit gets so sensitive after an orgasm, but I promise to try my very best.LOL.

I urge all men out there to ensure that your oral skills are absolutely above reproach and don’t ever think you are so good that you have nothing to learn in this area. Your lady will surely appreciate it. If you have any questions, be sure to read my thorough post on going downtown.
I just don’t think anything in life feels as good as well done oral sex. I would honestly take a good sucking in lieu of a good fucking on any day.

And I am happy to say that that day is coming in only four pounds….

I have to be honest. There’s been a number times when my mind was telling me no, but my body, my body was telling me yes…So I sucked the dick, got the kitty licked, and did plenty of bumping and grinding, but stopped short of going all the way (to put it proverbially). I really was saying no solely because I was scrupulously keeping count of how many men have penetrated the poonani and I have just never wanted to be guilty of sleeping with “too many” men. But I’ve never really defined what that number is…Is it 10, 20, 50? Maybe it doesn’t even matter and I’ve been passing up some delectable dicks over the years for no good reason.

Then there’s the issue of whether to tell the true number if my man ever asks this touchy question…How many men have you been with? I would hate to give the “wrong answer”. According to my dear mother, a woman should never answer this query, period. We all know there’s a double standard between men and women in this area. If a man says he’s been with 80 different women, I would think he is a freak and a bit promiscuous, but possibly still deal with him, depending on the other variables, (including disease status). But I think if a woman said she had been with 80 different men…she would be looked down on by men and women alike.

Another aspect to this topic is whether oral sex counts as actual sex. Personally, I’m from the camp that says Bill Clinton did not lie- that he truly DID NOT have sexual relations with Monica Lewdwinsky. To me its not sex unless a pregnancy or a hemoroid could result from the act. If not, let’s see how many orgasms we can have… Some men may say I was teasing…but in truth, I was just trying to keep the penetration numbers down…I mean damn- blue balls never killed a man!

I don’t really know what made this topic come to mind other than contemplating that I am off to a rather slow start in meeting my 2006 resolution of fucking no less than 100 times this year. I would love to hear from everyone else. How many guys can I fuck before I am officially a hoe?

In light of the crucial role these twins play in sexual pleasure for most women, I decided to provide some instruction on the appropriate manipulation of titties in enhancing female pleasure. As usual- here is my Copulation College disclaimer- This is what works for me. All women are different, but you may pick up some useful tips. These suggestions may serve as new information to some, reminders to others, or confirmation that you are already doing the right thing…

1. First guys, I know you are naturally drawn to the pussy. But it will be there. Don’t automatically rush to the panties. Take the time to remove my bra and caress my breasts which are very sensitive. If you are the man, you should know how to release the clasp without bumbling around. That is a highschool skill. Starting with the boobies will start getting the kitty nice and wet for you by the time you get down there with your fingers or your mouth. The twins serve as a forecast, letting you know my level of arousal because the nipples get harder as we ladies get aroused.

2.While playing with my breasts. Take this opportunity to whisper sweet nothings in my ear about what you are getting ready to do me or all kinds of other nasty talk. Other options include kissing and sucking on my neck or kissing me passionately.

3.Fair and Balance- Remember what you do to one titty- you must do to the other. It really feels good when a man plays with both at the same time.

3. Start out gently when pinching, rolling the nipples, but gradually increase in intensity as I get more turned on. Sometimes I know the man is trying to be gentle, but if you handle my boobs too softly, it doesn’t really do anything for me. Slowly increase pressure and just watch the female reaction to let you know if its hurting. A little pain/pleasure is always nice, but do not be rough and don’t do things suddenly. If you are not sure, you could always whisper in my ear, and ask me how I like what you are doing to me or if I want it harder or softer.

3.When pinching the nipple have a complete grip of the whole nipple from the base and apply consistent pressure. You can also pull slowly. Not rough tugs. If you are rolling the nipple around use less pressure and vary the speed super slow, then quickly. Tongue kiss in rhythm to the breast play. You will take her breathe away.

4. Massage the whole breast. Not just the nipples. Use a variety of touches. Soft, light stroking to firm gripping. Maybe gentle pinches on the fleshy portions.

5.Use your mouth and tongue. Suck the nipples strongly. Open your mouth wide and suck the nipples and areola as well. Use your tongue like the nipple is a clit. Don’t slobber.Yuck! Don’t use teeth at all, especially on the nipple. The nice thing about nipples is that, unlike the clit which gets too sensitive after an orgasm, you can suck and play with them for an almost unlimited amount of time. So take your time, baby. Enjoy them.Hold my hands behind my back as you ravish my breasts.

6.Suck other parts of the breast like you want to put a hickey on it. By now the kitty is super wet. I might be just aching for you to touch my clit now. Start using the fingers in the kitty. I might come right away.

7.During sex, don’t forget to come back to the boobs when your hands are free. Doggystyle is perfect for this or if I am riding. Or maybe while I’m sucking your dick.

8.Toys/Sensations- I like sex toys and I’ve seen a whole lot of them specially made for boobs and want to try a few in the future. So far I have experienced nipple clamps in a D/s scene and really liked them, but they do hurt alittle, so this is probably not for everyone. Also try using ice or something ultra soft and tickly.

9.Titty fucking- unfortunately, since I’m a perky 34A cup, I don’t have quite enough cleavage for this freaky fantasy, but maybe when I grow up (grow bigger, that is) we can go there. I have had a man cum all over my boobs and that was fun. And I did have a man spell his name on my boobs with his big black dick while he knelt astride my chest. Lol. All these years later and I still remember how to spell that shit. Very erotic.

Those are all the tips I can think of now. Try them all or try a couple. Either way. Just don’t forget about the breasts when you are doing the do and watch the woman for signals for what she likes and doesn’t like. Don’t be so single minded about getting to the clit. Work your way south and take your time to arouse all parts of a woman’s body to enhance the entire sexual experience.

Anyone who wants to add additional tips or strategies is welcome to post.

Class Dismissed.

I always write down my resolutions every year, so this year, I will put them here on my blog. They are not in order of importance.

1) Get more dick in 2006 than I got in 2005. I’m getting older. The pussy is getting better and better, so I’m planning on using it. I am planning on fucking at least 100 times this year and I am going to be keeping track of my progress in my palm pilot. This is not an invitation to my male readers though. LOL. If I want your dick, I will let you know. I’m not looking for new penis, but I do appreciate the thought.

2) Go to church more consistently. It sounds wrong to put that resolution on this list after resolution #1, but that is none of your business. My goal is to go to church at least 25 times in 2006.

3) Work out consistently. If I do that, I will automatically lose the 5-7lbs I am trying to drop even if I eat whatever I want. I want to go to the gym at least 100 times in 2006.

4) Make financial progress. I want to earn more in 2006 than I did in 2005 and I want to save more and increase my Rainy Savings Account by at least $2500.

5) Improve my domestic skills. I am somewhat creatively organized and have no problem with cereal and milk for dinner to avoid cooking. Shame on my grown, sexy ass…time for improvement.

6) Make my current relationships work or end them rather than living in limbo and riding the fence. This one goes for love, family and friendships.

7) Improve my time management. This is so hard for me as a natural procrastinator and someone who loves reading blogs and playing PopCap games on yahoo….where do the hours go? I am sick of always being the one to send the belated birthday cards and arriving late for the party and filing my taxes late. Meeting this resolution will require me to go ahead and buy myself a watch. Anyone know of any sales?

8) Take at least two out of state vacation trips.

9) Declutter and Get Organized at home and work. Whether I give it away, throw it away, shred it, burn it or bury it, I am getting rid of stuff I don’t need and clothes I dont wear and books I don’t read.

10) ____________________I am leaving this one blank. In case I left something good off- I am inviting my readers to suggest one more resolution for me. It can be serious or fun or freaky…..

It’s not like he was physcially cheating on his wife. He was trying to share it with her, but she wasn’t having it. I personally think that it was his wife who caused his little vice to blow up into a big problem. If she had been a little more open-minded about it and willing to watch a flick or two with her man, he wouldn’t have gotten to the point where he felt like he had to hide it and been digging in dumpsters and all that in the middle of the night. The problem he really seemed to be having was leading the secret life because he was trying to conceal everything from his wife- not that pornography had damaged him in some way.

This is not to say I am advocating signing up on every internet porn site or buying hundrends of videos. Everything in moderation. On some level, we all have bad habits/vices. Some people smoke cigarettes or the ‘la’. Others spent countless hours in front of ESPN, FSN, NBA TV, and CSS. Still others spent an inordinate amount of time on the computer. Some spend half their life on the cell phone. Basically everyone has something they do for relaxation or stimulation. As long as it isn’t causing isolation and isn’t ruling a person’s life and finances…I say do your thang.

As I said, I look at porn whenever I feel like it- sometimes out of curiosity, other times horniness and at other times to pick up a few tricks of the trade. I don’t feel that I have anything to hide in that regard and I wouldn’t deal with a man who tried to make an issue out of it. I actually think porn and sex toys can spice up a couples’ sex life and actually bring people closer because of the ability to be open about fantasies. However, the thing is both people have to be down with it- otherwise there will be problems.

Those are just my thoughts on the issue. I would love to hear from others. Who else is watching porn- either internet or on tv? I know me and Kirk aren’t the only closetfreaks out there. What do you get out of it and how much is too much before you know you’re addicted? Do any guys out there watch porn, but then have a problem with the ladies watching it? I’m your internet Oprah. Holla at me.

Anywhoo, we went out several nights and did a whole lot of dancing and imbibing of spirits and then with all the titillating talk…I can’t lie- I had some incestuous thoughts. I do hereby accuse myself, here in the ‘privacy’ of my anonymous blog. I don’t know where the thoughts came from, but driving back from a night of two-stepping and feeling all floaty from a pink drink called X-rated…I just started imagining what if…I mean no one would have to know…I even told him, “Too bad you are my first cousin J, if you weren’t I could let you get a taste of this pussy.” It made me laugh to see the mild surprise register in his face at my boldness and I could have sworn I saw his dick get hard in his pants. He didn’t say anything, keeping his eyes on the road…but I wonder where his thoughts were during the rest of the ride. He may not have said a thing, but I know he was thinking the same thing…All I can say is that consanguinity is a muthafucka!

Other than that one rather forward comment I conducted myself with decorum the rest of the trip, even though I made sure I was fine as hell everytime I was gonna see good ole cuz. I promise, I was a good girl and didn’t break any moral or social laws, so no one has to quit reading this post in revulsion.

But we are all friends here. I’ve made my confession- what about ya’ll anyone else had illicit thoughts towards their cousins of the opposite sex? Please don’t tell me I am the only one!

But anyway, I think no matter how much you safe sex it, waiting for those results is no fun. I wish there was some instant outcome test, like there is for pregnancy detection. You know the deal in 10 minutes, in the privacy of your bathroom. No having to walk out then think about worst case scenarios. It’s not that I’ve done anything “risky” in the past year, but of course the only way to ever be completely sure is to practice abstinence. And best to believe, closetfreak does not practice abstinence. LoL. Shit, if I did that, what would I blog about? So anyway, this week, as I waited to hear back, I tried to put it out of my mind and remain confident, but in a small way, I was holding my breathe too.

Then finally, yesterday, all the results came back negative, just like I expected. Yesssss! As you know when it comes to these tests- negative news is GOOD news.

Like I’m so negative that my shit is ALL good. Like, de poonani is bahd-gude, star…blow de wistle n bong on de wall. LOL. And got the paperwork to prove it. Yes, yes the kitty is pink, juicy, freshly trimmed, contaminate free, bacteria-free, pathogenless…however you want to say it. Now, that is some good pussy. Basically you can EAT a meal off of it. (pun intended)

So you might think that since I have this clean house, that I might want to invite a guest over for a tour or maybe dinner off the clean plate I referred to. Or you might think that I’m going to accept an offer from one of the brothas who has so kindly offered to assist me with my G-spot exploration. Actually, I am shutting the doors even tighter and I’m hiding the key. No new guests for the forseeable future. Family only.

I am not going to lie, I’ve definitely gotten some tempting offers since starting this blog, from doing my first threesome, to beating my submissive ass for me with all kinds of wicked implements. Intriguing options that just make a closetfreak’s pussy all wet. I was beginning to think that it was going to take a chastity belt for me to keep myself from taking somebody up on an offer.LOL. But this annual testing ritual serves as a reminder that my priority needs to remain keeping the kitty safe and sound just like she is now. So unfortunately, I am going to have to pass on the offers to teach me how to deep throat. I am freaky, but I ain’t crazy. To be honest, at this point, I don’t even want to shake hands with a guy who can’t show me his test results. Forget emailing me a picture of your dick or your face…Send me your test results if you want to play.

I can’t lie. It was alittle scary. And is always intimidating taking the test, then waiting for the results, but the peace of mind that follows is utterly priceless. I think I’ll go ahead and frame the results just so I can enjoy them everyday. At last, the results are in and it is official in black and white. Closetfreak is kinky, clean, disease-free and definitely meaning to keeping it that way. After a long week of waiting with bated breathe, I think I will go have a drink and exhale.

I mean I knew it was up in there somewhere because of the pleasurable sensations I’ve experienced when I’ve had it stimulated by a guy’s finger or dick. All I knew was that he was hitting ‘my spot’. I can’t say I ever felt it or played with it myself, so last night was a pretty big first which is why I have decided to record it here in the annals of a closetfreak. Normally, I tend to just work the clit when I am seeking a quick little orgasm on my own, and it is actually so intense that I dont think I can make myself come, but I do have a new project for me and my lover to explore.

Now that I know where exactly the spot is, I look forward to laying down with a lover kissing and relaxing and having him stroke it for me to see how hard I can come…or have him lick the kitty and and the same time work my g-spot…what an orgasm that will be…I will be sure to let everyone know how it works out.

Simple Examples of Chivalry-
-Pay for my drinks, as well as my girlfriend if she is with me and single (that act of chivalry alone might get you a threesome if you get us drunk enough!). Pick me up for our dates instead of telling me to meet you (guys in NYC are notorious for that shit). Arrive early for our dates and dress nicely instead of looking like you came from basketball practice.
-Pay for our dates. If you have no money, take me to inexpensive/trendy places that still have atmosphere or do something free. Remember I got my own shit and I am not a golddigger. I will give it back to you either through a nice gift or I’ll cook for you or I’ll bring you lunch one day. But if it’s a date you should pay- even if I am the one who suggested we do something. At the table, once we’ve looked at the menu, ask me what I am having and order for me when the waiter comes. Pray before the meal. If we are chilling at your house, ask me if I want to watch something else on the tv besides ESPN or FOXSPORTS or ESPN Classic…
-Open doors for me to buildings or to the car. Walk me to my car whether its a block away or if it’s in your driveway. Turn my car around in the driveway or back it out for me (I told ya’ll I can’t drive). Go get my bag out of the car if I am spending the night. Put your hand in the small of my back if we are going through a crowd or the sidewalk is broken up. Call me the day after the date, especially if you get the poonani.

Should U B Chivalrous to all women?
I say yes. Others may say no. I say be gallant towards the chic that is for kicks as well as the one who is for keeps. If you are married don’t get lazy and stop doing the little things. It takes practice to perfect the skills so you should do it as often as possible, plus if you do it all the time, things will become second nature and you won’t have to keep your Copulation College Checklist with you. Women are very observant and when we see men that treat other sistah’s respectfully, that makes him more desirable, or if you are already my man, it makes me feel proud of you. I also think being a gentleman makes men feel like more of a man too, because they are assuming their proper role.

What Chivalry Does to Women
Courtesy and respect makes us feel special, safe, appreciated. These emotions (for closetfreak anyway) translate to attraction, arousal, wet pussy. It makes me feel like a woman and I in turn want to put all my womanliness on you in the bedroom- at which time you can dispense with the manners and treat me like a whore. lol. (I mean it) Except don’t cum in my hair if I tell you not too…oops let me stay on track here.

Anyway, those are just some general tips, and I hope people share some thoughts as well. After completing today’s lesson, go out and show some good manners, then report back. That is your homework, unless you are too busy enjoying the new pussy that you earned through your chivalry. In that case you get an extension on the assignment.

Class Dismissed