Diary of a Closet Freak

I’ve got this friendly competition going with a friend with benefits…We’re competing to see which one of us can lose ten pounds first. The winner gets an hour of uninterrupted, non- reciprocated cunilingus or fellatio.

I haven’t won yet…but I am almost there. I had a great workout at the gym today and according to the scale, I’ve got four pounds to go. He’s a great kitty kisser so I am really looking forward to my just reward. I want to get naked, lay down on a comfortable bed and just enjoy…I don’t even know if I will last an hour cuz the clit gets so sensitive after an orgasm, but I promise to try my very best.LOL.

I urge all men out there to ensure that your oral skills are absolutely above reproach and don’t ever think you are so good that you have nothing to learn in this area. Your lady will surely appreciate it. If you have any questions, be sure to read my thorough post on going downtown.
I just don’t think anything in life feels as good as well done oral sex. I would honestly take a good sucking in lieu of a good fucking on any day.

And I am happy to say that that day is coming in only four pounds….

Happy New Year everyone. I am back to blogging. I do appreciate the comments and emails from those of you out there who were wondering, ” Oh where oh where has closetfreak gone…” No where! I am still here. Still freaky. Just been celebrating the holidays and taking inventory in preparation for making 2006 a year to remember.

I always write down my resolutions every year, so this year, I will put them here on my blog. They are not in order of importance.

1) Get more dick in 2006 than I got in 2005. I’m getting older. The pussy is getting better and better, so I’m planning on using it. I am planning on fucking at least 100 times this year and I am going to be keeping track of my progress in my palm pilot. This is not an invitation to my male readers though. LOL. If I want your dick, I will let you know. I’m not looking for new penis, but I do appreciate the thought.
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I would like to announce that closetfreak has once again been CDC Approved baby. What I mean is that I recently went to the doctor as we ladies do on an annual basis and took THE TEST as well as all the other little screenings we women take to make sure all the family goods are in perfect working order and have not been contaminated by any outside sources during the previous 12 months. The biggie, of course, is THE TEST for that undefeatable ninja that is ravaging through our race, partly due to the Down Low Brothas (who are going to get a whole blog topic devoted to them in the near future).

But anyway, I think no matter how much you safe sex it, waiting for those results is no fun. I wish there was some instant outcome test, like there is for pregnancy detection. You know the deal in 10 minutes, in the privacy of your bathroom. No having to walk out then think about worst case scenarios. It’s not that I’ve done anything “risky” in the past year, but of course the only way to ever be completely sure is to practice abstinence. And best to believe, closetfreak does not practice abstinence. LoL. Shit, if I did that, what would I blog about? So anyway, this week, as I waited to hear back, I tried to put it out of my mind and remain confident, but in a small way, I was holding my breathe too.

Then finally, yesterday, all the results came back negative, just like I expected. Yesssss! As you know when it comes to these tests- negative news is GOOD news. (more…)

Now, I ain’t saying I’m a golddigga, but I ain’t messing with no broke nigga. That is to say. I ain’t splitting the tab. I ain’t co-signing. I don’t even want you to make change for me if I need some quarters. We will never have a joint bank account. As a matter of a fact, if I even suspect we are banking with the same institution, I’m closing my account and putting my money under the mattress. If you guess one digit of my pincode, I am ordering a new card. That’s alright honey- I don’t want to see your credit report. Why? Because I don’t care who and what you owe. Your problems ain’t my problems. Sorry your account got closed because you owe the bank $475 in NSF fees. Keep paying your bills with money orders when and if you feel like it. Lucky for you in America, people don’t go to jail over debts. If they did you might get the death penalty.
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I have alot of single girlfriends that complain about having trouble finding someone to settle down with, and even difficulty finding someone to date. When they ask for advice, I tell them to start kissing frogs. Just like in the childhoold stories- I think smooching marsupials is the only way to end up with a prince. Lets’s face it there is only one Mekhi Phifer and one Boris Kojo. In light of that harsh reality, I say close your eyes, and purse your lips. There are actually many fish in the see…I guess that would be frogs in the pond in this instance.

I don’t really call it settling, because if you end up with a fulfilling relationship with a man with whom you can build a life, or at worst spend quality time with, how is that settling? That, in and of itself, is an achievment given the horrible male to female ratios in this city. Giving guys a chance has always worked for me and I can honestly say that I’ve never been single for long. Not to say that every relationship worked out in the end…(I would have to start a whole other blog to discuss how and why things can fall apart). Today I’m focusing on why I think single black women should give decent suitors an equal opportunity and be willing to do alittle affirmative action if necessary, instead of immediate rejection.
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I’ve been a runner since I was about 10 years old when I used to compete with a boy named Ernesto back in catholic school, trying to be the fastest girl in fifth grade. (I never did beat him, but I got damn close in the 7th grade). In my younger days, I ran everything from cross-country to indoor track to track and field in the spring. I really got a kick out of reading about yours truly in the papers, traveling around the country for meets, and hoarding medals and trophies. I don’t even know where most of the collection is now…Anyway, in college, I wasn’t the best, but I stayed competitive. It’s been a while, but after watching the NYC Marathon on television on Sunday, I got motivated enough to put on my Asics Gel Kayanos (gotta be a runner to know about them sneaks) and went for a nice run.

As soon as I got going, I remembered why I’ve been avoiding running. To be honest, it hurts like hell and it takes a lot of mental discipline to keep going, so I try to think about everything else except my feet pounding the trail. And being the closetfreak, that I am, my mind automatically turned to sex to make time go by….
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I love me some DMX, - especially his song, “What These Bitches Want” which I just heard on the radio. But regrettably, I could neva-eva give Earl Simmons (his real name) some pussy, even though his voice is so unique and even though he is so attractively thuggish ruggish. Despite these traits, he is one rapper I would just have to turn down if he ever tried to holla because this song indicates that he is a kiss and tell type nigga. I mean in a single musical composition, this man proudly names more than forty girls that he has supposedly fucked, even spelling out how he met Cookie in an ice cream shop. That shit is wrong as hell. A nigga with tru pussy game, never kisses and tells. After all, it is commonly known that if a man has to brag about who and how many he has fucked, that something is off about his bedroom performance.

This is not to say that men can’t talk about WHAT they do in the bedroom. We ladies actually appreciate that information, especially if you can back it up. I know it gives me something to look forward to if you hip me to the fact that you are down for freaky things. This rant is more directed to men who name names the way DMX did. Fifty Cent has also been guilty of this sad naming of names. Even Justin Timberlake felt like he had to announce that he popped Brittany Spear’s cherry.This behavior shows that these men are insecure about something because they felt that they had to toot their own horns. These actions will greatly reduce the amount of pussy that they ultimately get in life. I do realize that you want to brag sometimes men, but you must let your dick do the work, not your mouth. If your cock skills are that excellent, the lady you have satisfied will do the talking for you, because most of us just can’t help telling SOMEBODY when we get some distinguished dick. . (more…)

I wonder what men and women these days think about having sex on the first date? I’m in a relationship now, but just in case I do decide to make a move, I need to be up on current dating etiquette. Now as far as puckering up goes, I have always been a girl who kissed on the first date because that is a fail-proof chemistry test. And to be perfectly honest, I don’t care how smart, fine and paid a nigga is, if he can’t kiss right, going out again is just wasting each other’s time. I can’t take slobber, bad breathe or teeth bumping into mine, but I love when a guy has soft full lips and can make my heart beat faster while we mesh our tongues . If his tongue in my mouth alone, can get the juices flowing to the my kitty, then I’ve always known that we were in business, at least on the attraction tip. But the more mature and kinky I get, the more I am beginning to believe that I need more information upfront.

I’ve picked up a few new interests and now I am considering tinkering with my first date chemistry experiment and taking it alittle farther. I guess that would actually be taking it ‘all the way’. I’m no longer sure if just kissing will tell me what I need to know. The policy may need to change from always kissing on the first date to getting an actual taste of the luving on the opening night. That way I can make a fully informed decision about the pleasure potential. Of course, I am not saying I don’t care about other issues such as his education, career, and personality- I am just addressing the issue of sexual satisfaction at the moment. That stuff comes next.
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My girl Sheryl Swoops announced that she is gay today. Where did that come from? She’s been married and has a son, which means she has fully enjoyed the magnificence of penis. How could she just give that up? And for seven years? That’s a damn jail term. I looked up a picture of her partner Lisa Scott and she is at best only ‘awright’. Definitely not fly enough to make me foreswear dick for life. But I ain’t hating. To each his own. I for one will remain STRICKLY DICKLY for the foreseeable future. (Unless I get my nerve up to do a threesome…oops. topic for another day.)

Even though I haven’t been moved to explore the female thing yet, I do admit that I love to look, especially at the girls with the beautiful breasts which hang, but not droop, or girls with tight asses and nice- curvy athletic legs. Not too tall and not too short. Flat or soft (not mushy) stomachs. Not more than 10 to maximum 15 lbs overweight. Pretty, with smooth skin. Not ghetto-fabulous. Like a said, I look, but I don’t touch.

The bottom line is that men just have more to offer because of what they have between their legs. Nothing could replace the beauty and interest of the male dick for me, which a plastic strap-on cannot begin to emulate. The debate often arises about proportion. But it’s not just about the bulkiness of the family jewels. I think most women are like me, size is great, but there is more to it too. Just like with diamonds- its not just carat. You gotta consider cut, clarity, color and fire. . (more…)

I just read about the CEO who spent $241k at a titty bar!!! That must have been a HELLUVA lap dance. If that’s how much I can make shaking my a- cups, I am turning in my resignation tomorrow. All those damned student loans for nothing. My modesty can certainly be overcome for the right price. Plus, the strip club is closer to my house than my job, so I can save on gas too! Coincidentally, a few weeks ago when I first went to Magic City, I actually thought to myself, that I could be a ’skripper’ under the right circumstances. The music was off the chain and the atmosphere was like a massive don’t give a fuck about tomorrow type party. Not to mention the number of fine niggas with deep pockets that was up in there. (more…)