Kissing Frogs
I have alot of single girlfriends that complain about having trouble finding someone to settle down with, and even difficulty finding someone to date. When they ask for advice, I tell them to start kissing frogs. Just like in the childhoold stories- I think smooching marsupials is the only way to end up with a prince. Lets’s face it there is only one Mekhi Phifer and one Boris Kojo. In light of that harsh reality, I say close your eyes, and purse your lips. There are actually many fish in the see…I guess that would be frogs in the pond in this instance.
I don’t really call it settling, because if you end up with a fulfilling relationship with a man with whom you can build a life, or at worst spend quality time with, how is that settling? That, in and of itself, is an achievment given the horrible male to female ratios in this city. Giving guys a chance has always worked for me and I can honestly say that I’ve never been single for long. Not to say that every relationship worked out in the end…(I would have to start a whole other blog to discuss how and why things can fall apart). Today I’m focusing on why I think single black women should give decent suitors an equal opportunity and be willing to do alittle affirmative action if necessary, instead of immediate rejection.
For instance, if a man comes up to you in a club, smelling good, dressed nicely and asks for a dance, say yes and go shake the booty to at least one song even if he is alittle skinnier than you like, or the glasses are a little too thick. I can’t understand why some of us insist on playing that role as if we actually spent the money on a club outfit and stood in line to get into Visions, just to be a wallflower. I for one, usually, say yes, or give him a dazzling smile and a sincere apology if I can’t do it cuz my feet are killing me. Therefore I inevitably leave the club with a couple of numbers and by the end of the night, usually at least one tadpole has bought me a drink as a thank you for breaking a sweat with him on the dancefloor. Even if I never end up calling, I feel good and he swims away with something to croak about.
I don’t mean to say I don’t believe in standards. I do have parameters for what is unacceptable to my spirit, which I call “automatic excluders”. If a toad likes to ‘light it up’ in terms of weed or cigarettes he’s out. If he doesn’t play or at least like sports, he’s out too. And of course I don’t want a criminal or someone without goals or some one with no intellect or who lacks respect for women. Those are the basics. Other than that, I tend to look at each person as an individual and consider the package as a whole. In return, I hope that a man who’s interested in me will overlook some shortcomings on my part too. Like the fact that I can’t really throw down in the kitchen or the fact that I am alittle ‘creatively organized’ around the house. I am still evolving in those areas. Just like his light-weight ass can gain some pounds and just like how he can get laser surgery to get rid of the horned rims. lol. Like I said, some things we can work on.
Closetfreak that I am, I do admit to paying alot of attention to whether or not I am sexually attracted to a man, because sex is crucial in a relationship, and giving him a shot at a date, doesn’t mean giving him a shot at my ass. (Although I did write a piece indicating I may be leaning in that direction if I do end up hitting the dating scene again.) I am not at that point yet. Usually the first kiss is a big indicator and then I spent alot of time observing the toad at hand because alot of different things actually turn me on, besides a nice dick. Lots of things can cause waves in my pond…For example, nice hands, compliments, self-confidence, nice lips, a foreign accent, nerdy intelligence, dominant personality, clean haircuts, good conversation, good manners, noticing details, an open mind…my list can go on and on. So even in that area, I never boxed myself in.
I shake my head at my Lane Bryant sized friends who won’t date big guys and and shrug my shoulders at the college drop-outs who insist on marrying doctors…Whatever. Fine. Do you. Just don’t lament your loneliness either, when you are letting perfectly good human amphibians splash by you everyday. For my part, taking my chances with tadpoles has led to some good experiences whether or not they turned out to be long term. I say be willing to look for potential in the frogs that approach you and then pucker up and see what happens. You might be surprised.
I like your style and your wisdom definitely shines through… I’m becoming a regular visitor
to your blogsite and enjoying every moment of it…
WarmBlessings,
Anthony *
Comment by Anthony — November 9, 2005 @ 9:40 pm
You and I think a lot alike, CF. I keep telling this to my friend who only dates on occasion because so many guys don’t fit her requirements. It’s a numbers game, you gotta be in it to win it. Or as you so creatively said, you gotta kiss a lot of toads.
Thanks for the link, baby. I appreciate it.
Comment by T in NYC — November 10, 2005 @ 2:20 am
This has been some of the best advice I’ve read in a long time. Some people need to get rid of the check list and keep an open mind.
Comment by E to the Dwige — November 11, 2005 @ 9:38 am
I enjoy the way you write. Your analogy is humourous, but I think it’s a good one. The best relationships I’ve had were with women that didn’t quite hit a ‘preconceived’ standard.
Comment by The Seeker — November 15, 2005 @ 1:53 pm
Very wise blog. People need to learn to open themselves up to possibilities. You do that and now you have more options and a better chance of finding what you really want. Most people havent taken enough time to figure out who they are in order to truly know what they are looking for out of a relationship anyway. Meet people and get to know them with no expectations and you never know what you may get out of it. Maybe a great friend, maybe someone that will be there for the rest of your life. -4eva
Comment by 4eva — November 15, 2005 @ 10:24 pm
I know I am just reiterating your posting, but I thought I would share my theory on dating. Out there in the world is your soul mate. You aren’t going to find them by narrowing the dating field to a few. The more you sample the better your chances of finding the right one. I call it Gregg’s dating theory of large numbers.
I actually don’t believe in the idea of a single soul mate. There are lots of perfect matches for each person. Finding one of them still requires kissing a lot of frogs. I found mine that way.
Comment by Gregg — November 16, 2005 @ 5:44 pm
Oh damn…Ya’ll ’bout to get me started up in heya! LOL I gotta comment on this one. I’m tired of these women with all these standards. And I especially have to rep for my fellow short–pardon me “vertically challenged” brothas. I’m not trying to toot my own horn (ok maybe I am….LOL) I’m a successful, attractive brotha who has it going on for himself. 30..NO CHILDREN..nice home…nice vehicle…college grad & gainfully employed. I drink & smoke (black & milds) socially. I dress to kill and I’m always on point. I have a fetish for finely hand-crafted Italian-silk Ties, French collar/cuff shirts & cuff-links that bling. I’m a versatile brotha who can CONVERSE in perfect Queen’s English about the latest issue of “The Journal” or kick it with my bruhs and talk about how fly Toni Braxton looked in VIBE *shameless plug* LOL My only shortcoming (pun intended) is my height (5′7″). I cannot help the fact that both of my grandmothers who are 4′11 have more dominant genes than both of my grandfathers who were over 6ft. And it’s funny because that’s all I hear and see… Sistas who want a brother 6′ and over. But there was one sista who gave a brotha a chance. I used to date a Full-Figured Model who is 6ft/190. I remember walking into TGI Friday’s on crowded Friday Evening for Dinner/Drinks and silencing the crowd. Brothas….AND sistas were hatin’ on me. Now I don’t have a problem with this if the sista is say 5′9 and up. But I can’t stand a woman who’s like 5′2 talking about she wants the Jolly Green Giant. One of my good friends who played ball for my Alma Mater (Temple) and had a short stint in the NBA is 6′11. This dudes girl is like shorter than me. Do you know how funny they look? I mean I guess that’s acceptable and I know we all want what we want because I’m guilty of it too (I’ll look right past you if you’re skinny or too light-complected…LOL) But damn give a brotha a chance. And believe me… I will be more than glad to dispell the “myth” about short men. I’ll give a brotha 6′ and over a run for his $$ anyday! LOL CF sorry for taking ova ya blog for a minute… But I needed to be heard. We now return to our regulary scheduled program already in progess….LOL
Comment by Mr. Mizrahi -in ATL — December 17, 2005 @ 7:25 pm