Diary of a Closet Freak

I would like to announce that closetfreak has once again been CDC Approved baby. What I mean is that I recently went to the doctor as we ladies do on an annual basis and took THE TEST as well as all the other little screenings we women take to make sure all the family goods are in perfect working order and have not been contaminated by any outside sources during the previous 12 months. The biggie, of course, is THE TEST for that undefeatable ninja that is ravaging through our race, partly due to the Down Low Brothas (who are going to get a whole blog topic devoted to them in the near future).

But anyway, I think no matter how much you safe sex it, waiting for those results is no fun. I wish there was some instant outcome test, like there is for pregnancy detection. You know the deal in 10 minutes, in the privacy of your bathroom. No having to walk out then think about worst case scenarios. It’s not that I’ve done anything “risky” in the past year, but of course the only way to ever be completely sure is to practice abstinence. And best to believe, closetfreak does not practice abstinence. LoL. Shit, if I did that, what would I blog about? So anyway, this week, as I waited to hear back, I tried to put it out of my mind and remain confident, but in a small way, I was holding my breathe too.

Then finally, yesterday, all the results came back negative, just like I expected. Yesssss! As you know when it comes to these tests- negative news is GOOD news. (more…)

I don’t have much to post today, except one new thing. Guess what. Last night, I found my g-spot. It was right where I read it would be and felt just like I read it would feel. It is “up under” my clit inside my vagina. It was kind of rough with ridges, like a walnut as opposed to smooth like my vagina. I applied alittle pressure and stroked it alittle and it felt pretty good. Felt a little like I wanted to pee and/or orgasm at the same time. When I squeezed my vaginal muscles things got even more intense. I was like wow- hello there. lol.

I mean I knew it was up in there somewhere because of the pleasurable sensations I’ve experienced when I’ve had it stimulated by a guy’s finger or dick. All I knew was that he was hitting ‘my spot’. I can’t say I ever felt it or played with it myself, so last night was a pretty big first which is why I have decided to record it here in the annals of a closetfreak. Normally, I tend to just work the clit when I am seeking a quick little orgasm on my own, and it is actually so intense that I dont think I can make myself come, but I do have a new project for me and my lover to explore.

Now that I know where exactly the spot is, I look forward to laying down with a lover kissing and relaxing and having him stroke it for me to see how hard I can come…or have him lick the kitty and and the same time work my g-spot…what an orgasm that will be…I will be sure to let everyone know how it works out.

You might be wondering what good manners has to do with pussy. Believe it or not, gentlemen, displaying chivalry towards women on a consistent basis is GARUN-TEED to get you increased pussy. For many of you out there pussy is like the holy grail, so it is really worth the extra effort. I got this idea from another blogger’s post called Deadened Chivalry. It made me realize how most of us women in general appreciate a little old-fashioned gallantry, but I fear it is a lost art, so that is why I decided to address this important topic with a lesson here at Copulation College.

Simple Examples of Chivalry-
-Pay for my drinks, as well as my girlfriend if she is with me and single (that act of chivalry alone might get you a threesome if you get us drunk enough!). Pick me up for our dates instead of telling me to meet you (guys in NYC are notorious for that shit). Arrive early for our dates and dress nicely instead of looking like you came from basketball practice. (more…)

Can someone please tell me what makes for “good pussy”? I am talking about the shit which will have you (as a man or female for that matter-lol) blowing up the cell phone just so you can get at the kitty, either fucking it or sucking it. Some men like to say that pussy ain’t got a face’ as if indicating that there is no difference from one kitty to the next. That response gets an F. It’s completely ridiculous because if all our secret places were the same, men wouldn’t be trying to ‘explore’ so much. In other word’s you guys wouldn’t be trying to fuck so many different women all the time. Plus that comment makes it sound like all men want to do is put a bag over a woman’s head and then penetrate. Let me be the first to say that in all my years of fucking, I’ve been blindfolded, but neva, eva had a nigga put a damn bag over my head. We all know that all pussy was not created equal…but what makes a kitty purebred?

Now when I think about what makes good dick- it’s pretty simple. Circumcised, nice length, and good thickness. However, regardless of the gage of the shotgun, it always comes down to how a man uses his weapon. He must be able to stroke it right and have some staying power. Those are the basics. Of course being a closetfreak, I want alittle more too, but you can read about that stuff in my previous posts.
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Now, I ain’t saying I’m a golddigga, but I ain’t messing with no broke nigga. That is to say. I ain’t splitting the tab. I ain’t co-signing. I don’t even want you to make change for me if I need some quarters. We will never have a joint bank account. As a matter of a fact, if I even suspect we are banking with the same institution, I’m closing my account and putting my money under the mattress. If you guess one digit of my pincode, I am ordering a new card. That’s alright honey- I don’t want to see your credit report. Why? Because I don’t care who and what you owe. Your problems ain’t my problems. Sorry your account got closed because you owe the bank $475 in NSF fees. Keep paying your bills with money orders when and if you feel like it. Lucky for you in America, people don’t go to jail over debts. If they did you might get the death penalty.
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I have alot of single girlfriends that complain about having trouble finding someone to settle down with, and even difficulty finding someone to date. When they ask for advice, I tell them to start kissing frogs. Just like in the childhoold stories- I think smooching marsupials is the only way to end up with a prince. Lets’s face it there is only one Mekhi Phifer and one Boris Kojo. In light of that harsh reality, I say close your eyes, and purse your lips. There are actually many fish in the see…I guess that would be frogs in the pond in this instance.

I don’t really call it settling, because if you end up with a fulfilling relationship with a man with whom you can build a life, or at worst spend quality time with, how is that settling? That, in and of itself, is an achievment given the horrible male to female ratios in this city. Giving guys a chance has always worked for me and I can honestly say that I’ve never been single for long. Not to say that every relationship worked out in the end…(I would have to start a whole other blog to discuss how and why things can fall apart). Today I’m focusing on why I think single black women should give decent suitors an equal opportunity and be willing to do alittle affirmative action if necessary, instead of immediate rejection.
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I’ve been a runner since I was about 10 years old when I used to compete with a boy named Ernesto back in catholic school, trying to be the fastest girl in fifth grade. (I never did beat him, but I got damn close in the 7th grade). In my younger days, I ran everything from cross-country to indoor track to track and field in the spring. I really got a kick out of reading about yours truly in the papers, traveling around the country for meets, and hoarding medals and trophies. I don’t even know where most of the collection is now…Anyway, in college, I wasn’t the best, but I stayed competitive. It’s been a while, but after watching the NYC Marathon on television on Sunday, I got motivated enough to put on my Asics Gel Kayanos (gotta be a runner to know about them sneaks) and went for a nice run.

As soon as I got going, I remembered why I’ve been avoiding running. To be honest, it hurts like hell and it takes a lot of mental discipline to keep going, so I try to think about everything else except my feet pounding the trail. And being the closetfreak, that I am, my mind automatically turned to sex to make time go by….
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I love me some DMX, - especially his song, “What These Bitches Want” which I just heard on the radio. But regrettably, I could neva-eva give Earl Simmons (his real name) some pussy, even though his voice is so unique and even though he is so attractively thuggish ruggish. Despite these traits, he is one rapper I would just have to turn down if he ever tried to holla because this song indicates that he is a kiss and tell type nigga. I mean in a single musical composition, this man proudly names more than forty girls that he has supposedly fucked, even spelling out how he met Cookie in an ice cream shop. That shit is wrong as hell. A nigga with tru pussy game, never kisses and tells. After all, it is commonly known that if a man has to brag about who and how many he has fucked, that something is off about his bedroom performance.

This is not to say that men can’t talk about WHAT they do in the bedroom. We ladies actually appreciate that information, especially if you can back it up. I know it gives me something to look forward to if you hip me to the fact that you are down for freaky things. This rant is more directed to men who name names the way DMX did. Fifty Cent has also been guilty of this sad naming of names. Even Justin Timberlake felt like he had to announce that he popped Brittany Spear’s cherry.This behavior shows that these men are insecure about something because they felt that they had to toot their own horns. These actions will greatly reduce the amount of pussy that they ultimately get in life. I do realize that you want to brag sometimes men, but you must let your dick do the work, not your mouth. If your cock skills are that excellent, the lady you have satisfied will do the talking for you, because most of us just can’t help telling SOMEBODY when we get some distinguished dick. . (more…)

I wonder what men and women these days think about having sex on the first date? I’m in a relationship now, but just in case I do decide to make a move, I need to be up on current dating etiquette. Now as far as puckering up goes, I have always been a girl who kissed on the first date because that is a fail-proof chemistry test. And to be perfectly honest, I don’t care how smart, fine and paid a nigga is, if he can’t kiss right, going out again is just wasting each other’s time. I can’t take slobber, bad breathe or teeth bumping into mine, but I love when a guy has soft full lips and can make my heart beat faster while we mesh our tongues . If his tongue in my mouth alone, can get the juices flowing to the my kitty, then I’ve always known that we were in business, at least on the attraction tip. But the more mature and kinky I get, the more I am beginning to believe that I need more information upfront.

I’ve picked up a few new interests and now I am considering tinkering with my first date chemistry experiment and taking it alittle farther. I guess that would actually be taking it ‘all the way’. I’m no longer sure if just kissing will tell me what I need to know. The policy may need to change from always kissing on the first date to getting an actual taste of the luving on the opening night. That way I can make a fully informed decision about the pleasure potential. Of course, I am not saying I don’t care about other issues such as his education, career, and personality- I am just addressing the issue of sexual satisfaction at the moment. That stuff comes next.
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