Diary of a Closet Freak

Last night I was a Target, minding my own business, looking for some knives and forks since the ones I have here seem to just get up and walk away. I was standing around in the aisle, mulling over the decision- frosted or shiny forks?

Anyway, this older gentleman walks over and tells me he likes “it”, referring to the frosted forks. I was like really? I’m trying to make up my mind…He proceeded to tell me which kind he recently bought for his new house, etc. He told me he was recently divorced and setting up house on his own and how much fun that was…blah, blah, basically telling me how he had it going on.

So I was like if the package is so tight, why did he get divorced. He claims that the ex-wifey quit wanting to have sex, and I was like well you must not have been handling your business then.

So then here are the lies he responded with: He stated that they used to have sex EVERY single night 4-5 times a night and that she used to come every single time, but that she just had “issues” with sex… YEAH right! LIAR. LIAR. I don’t believe that is humanly possible, unless he was on some meds!

At this point I wanted to start moving away from the man cuz I just knew a bolt of lighting was going to strike him where he stood for the lies!!! When I told him I had to be going, he said I was exactly his type and that could he get the number…I have to say I was flattered cuz its not like I was looking super fly and I do have a thing for older guys…But I do loathe liars and pepetrators and his dick is probably going to fall off due to all the lies the man was telling…

But I am just curious how many times can the average guy do it in a night and how many times in a month? Can anyone really do the do EVERY single day?

I’ve got this friendly competition going with a friend with benefits…We’re competing to see which one of us can lose ten pounds first. The winner gets an hour of uninterrupted, non- reciprocated cunilingus or fellatio.

I haven’t won yet…but I am almost there. I had a great workout at the gym today and according to the scale, I’ve got four pounds to go. He’s a great kitty kisser so I am really looking forward to my just reward. I want to get naked, lay down on a comfortable bed and just enjoy…I don’t even know if I will last an hour cuz the clit gets so sensitive after an orgasm, but I promise to try my very best.LOL.

I urge all men out there to ensure that your oral skills are absolutely above reproach and don’t ever think you are so good that you have nothing to learn in this area. Your lady will surely appreciate it. If you have any questions, be sure to read my thorough post on going downtown.
I just don’t think anything in life feels as good as well done oral sex. I would honestly take a good sucking in lieu of a good fucking on any day.

And I am happy to say that that day is coming in only four pounds….

When it comes to sexual partners, how many is just too many? I don’t mean all at once, but over a life span. Let’s face it, very few of us women are remaining virginally pure for the marriage bed these days, and most of us don’t end up with the man who first deflowered us. (Real good thing for me on that point). The issue of sex normally comes up pretty quickly in most relationships, sometimes even on the first date. Then there’s the inevitable dilemma…should I or should I not give up the kitty?

I have to be honest. There’s been a number times when my mind was telling me no, but my body, my body was telling me yes…So I sucked the dick, got the kitty licked, and did plenty of bumping and grinding, but stopped short of going all the way (to put it proverbially). I really was saying no solely because I was scrupulously keeping count of how many men have penetrated the poonani and I have just never wanted to be guilty of sleeping with “too many” men. But I’ve never really defined what that number is…Is it 10, 20, 50? Maybe it doesn’t even matter and I’ve been passing up some delectable dicks over the years for no good reason.

Then there’s the issue of whether to tell the true number if my man ever asks this touchy question…How many men have you been with? I would hate to give the “wrong answer”. According to my dear mother, a woman should never answer this query, period. We all know there’s a double standard between men and women in this area. If a man says he’s been with 80 different women, I would think he is a freak and a bit promiscuous, but possibly still deal with him, depending on the other variables, (including disease status). But I think if a woman said she had been with 80 different men…she would be looked down on by men and women alike.

Another aspect to this topic is whether oral sex counts as actual sex. Personally, I’m from the camp that says Bill Clinton did not lie- that he truly DID NOT have sexual relations with Monica Lewdwinsky. To me its not sex unless a pregnancy or a hemoroid could result from the act. If not, let’s see how many orgasms we can have… Some men may say I was teasing…but in truth, I was just trying to keep the penetration numbers down…I mean damn- blue balls never killed a man!

I don’t really know what made this topic come to mind other than contemplating that I am off to a rather slow start in meeting my 2006 resolution of fucking no less than 100 times this year. I would love to hear from everyone else. How many guys can I fuck before I am officially a hoe?

They may be huge udders or they may be bite sized little morsels. They may sag or sit upright. They come in many varieties and can change over time. They are supposed to match perfectly- but in the real world, without surgery- they are normally slightly irregular…Regardless of the wide array of available shapes and sizes- one thing is sure. All of us women have them. Breasts- titties- hooters…whatever you want to call them. They come in pairs and believe it or not, they are attached to the clitoris with an invisible string. But all too often, men ignore them or mishandle them during sex, instead choosing to focus all the attention down low…What a lost opportunity to drive a woman out of her mind…

In light of the crucial role these twins play in sexual pleasure for most women, I decided to provide some instruction on the appropriate manipulation of titties in enhancing female pleasure. As usual- here is my Copulation College disclaimer- This is what works for me. All women are different, but you may pick up some useful tips. These suggestions may serve as new information to some, reminders to others, or confirmation that you are already doing the right thing…

1. First guys, I know you are naturally drawn to the pussy. But it will be there. Don’t automatically rush to the panties. Take the time to remove my bra and caress my breasts which are very sensitive. If you are the man, you should know how to release the clasp without bumbling around. That is a highschool skill. Starting with the boobies will start getting the kitty nice and wet for you by the time you get down there with your fingers or your mouth. The twins serve as a forecast, letting you know my level of arousal because the nipples get harder as we ladies get aroused.
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Happy New Year everyone. I am back to blogging. I do appreciate the comments and emails from those of you out there who were wondering, ” Oh where oh where has closetfreak gone…” No where! I am still here. Still freaky. Just been celebrating the holidays and taking inventory in preparation for making 2006 a year to remember.

I always write down my resolutions every year, so this year, I will put them here on my blog. They are not in order of importance.

1) Get more dick in 2006 than I got in 2005. I’m getting older. The pussy is getting better and better, so I’m planning on using it. I am planning on fucking at least 100 times this year and I am going to be keeping track of my progress in my palm pilot. This is not an invitation to my male readers though. LOL. If I want your dick, I will let you know. I’m not looking for new penis, but I do appreciate the thought.
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Did anyone see the Kirk Pornlin–oops–(Franklin) interview last week on Oprah? He claims he’s addicted to pornography, and feels that we all needed to share his pain. Whatever. Let’s be honest blogosphere- isn’t everyone addicted to pornography? I don’t see what the problem is if a grown man likes to look at naked women on the computer on occasion or if he likes watching grown people fornicating on a flick every now and then. As long as children aren’t involved and everyone is legally consenting- what is the big deal?

It’s not like he was physcially cheating on his wife. He was trying to share it with her, but she wasn’t having it. I personally think that it was his wife who caused his little vice to blow up into a big problem. If she had been a little more open-minded about it and willing to watch a flick or two with her man, he wouldn’t have gotten to the point where he felt like he had to hide it and been digging in dumpsters and all that in the middle of the night. The problem he really seemed to be having was leading the secret life because he was trying to conceal everything from his wife- not that pornography had damaged him in some way.

This is not to say I am advocating signing up on every internet porn site or buying hundrends of videos. Everything in moderation. On some level, we all have bad habits/vices. Some people smoke cigarettes or the ‘la’. Others spent countless hours in front of ESPN, FSN, NBA TV, and CSS. Still others spent an inordinate amount of time on the computer. Some spend half their life on the cell phone. Basically everyone has something they do for relaxation or stimulation. As long as it isn’t causing isolation and isn’t ruling a person’s life and finances…I say do your thang.
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I’m back to blogging now that I have returned from my holiday hiatus. A lovely hiatus which I spent with lots of family in the northeast. I enjoyed seeing the aunts and uncles and many of the first and second cousins, whom I only get to see a few times a year. One thing that struck me is that some of the cousins are a whole lot finer than they used to be when we were growing up…like damn, I didn’t realize you were quite that tall, or cuz, you’ve put on some thickness and aren’t quite as skinny as you used to be…We reminisced about the days when our elders would just put us in the tub together to give us a bath…lol. Or the days we would sleep in the same bed as kids. Can’t go there now- let’s just say that.
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I would like to announce that closetfreak has once again been CDC Approved baby. What I mean is that I recently went to the doctor as we ladies do on an annual basis and took THE TEST as well as all the other little screenings we women take to make sure all the family goods are in perfect working order and have not been contaminated by any outside sources during the previous 12 months. The biggie, of course, is THE TEST for that undefeatable ninja that is ravaging through our race, partly due to the Down Low Brothas (who are going to get a whole blog topic devoted to them in the near future).

But anyway, I think no matter how much you safe sex it, waiting for those results is no fun. I wish there was some instant outcome test, like there is for pregnancy detection. You know the deal in 10 minutes, in the privacy of your bathroom. No having to walk out then think about worst case scenarios. It’s not that I’ve done anything “risky” in the past year, but of course the only way to ever be completely sure is to practice abstinence. And best to believe, closetfreak does not practice abstinence. LoL. Shit, if I did that, what would I blog about? So anyway, this week, as I waited to hear back, I tried to put it out of my mind and remain confident, but in a small way, I was holding my breathe too.

Then finally, yesterday, all the results came back negative, just like I expected. Yesssss! As you know when it comes to these tests- negative news is GOOD news. (more…)

I don’t have much to post today, except one new thing. Guess what. Last night, I found my g-spot. It was right where I read it would be and felt just like I read it would feel. It is “up under” my clit inside my vagina. It was kind of rough with ridges, like a walnut as opposed to smooth like my vagina. I applied alittle pressure and stroked it alittle and it felt pretty good. Felt a little like I wanted to pee and/or orgasm at the same time. When I squeezed my vaginal muscles things got even more intense. I was like wow- hello there. lol.

I mean I knew it was up in there somewhere because of the pleasurable sensations I’ve experienced when I’ve had it stimulated by a guy’s finger or dick. All I knew was that he was hitting ‘my spot’. I can’t say I ever felt it or played with it myself, so last night was a pretty big first which is why I have decided to record it here in the annals of a closetfreak. Normally, I tend to just work the clit when I am seeking a quick little orgasm on my own, and it is actually so intense that I dont think I can make myself come, but I do have a new project for me and my lover to explore.

Now that I know where exactly the spot is, I look forward to laying down with a lover kissing and relaxing and having him stroke it for me to see how hard I can come…or have him lick the kitty and and the same time work my g-spot…what an orgasm that will be…I will be sure to let everyone know how it works out.

You might be wondering what good manners has to do with pussy. Believe it or not, gentlemen, displaying chivalry towards women on a consistent basis is GARUN-TEED to get you increased pussy. For many of you out there pussy is like the holy grail, so it is really worth the extra effort. I got this idea from another blogger’s post called Deadened Chivalry. It made me realize how most of us women in general appreciate a little old-fashioned gallantry, but I fear it is a lost art, so that is why I decided to address this important topic with a lesson here at Copulation College.

Simple Examples of Chivalry-
-Pay for my drinks, as well as my girlfriend if she is with me and single (that act of chivalry alone might get you a threesome if you get us drunk enough!). Pick me up for our dates instead of telling me to meet you (guys in NYC are notorious for that shit). Arrive early for our dates and dress nicely instead of looking like you came from basketball practice. (more…)